Since I was young, I have never stopped looking for a happy life or a better life or whatever life that give me more and more things that I have ever had at current. Then, I am keep searching for and looking for it non-stop.
I didn’t allow me to feel suffering in me everytime I lose. I didn’t let me open myself to anyone to show that I am soft or weakness sometimes. I didn’t let anyone know how pain I have in my mind… I keep it in my head, my mind, my body! I accummulate those pains on and on.
Till a day, I brought my son to a karate class. He got hit by his partner who didn’t follow the rule. He cried. The Master told him “That’s not good. You need to control your emotions. Do jumping jack many times to let go those emotions. Next time, if he beats you again, you need to move your body away from him.” Then, my son jumped and jumped as requested but he stills cried and cried. In the car on the way home, I told him to not be soft, don’t cry anymore. You need to be strong! After that, he told me in his tearing “I can’t stop crying even though I already tried.”
From that day, I realized what I was trying to live on. What I believed is true. All is fake. I have learned that I need to be strong?! By showing them that I am not soft? That I can not fail even though I am already exhauted? That I need to keep going on and on!!! But no, I don’t want to live that life anymore. I want to live true to me, to myself. When I feel down, I accept it as a feeling or emotion flowing inside me. I don’t run away from it. I don’t. I want to be honest to myself. I don’t feel shame when I say it out loud that I am sometime a loser or I am sad or I did some mistake… I realize I am a human who have feelings. I don’t want to be a subject/thing that just feel shining outside but without emotions.
From now on, I am accepting the feelings what comes up inside me when things happen to me. If it’s a good moment, then I am happy and enjoy it. If it is a bad moment, I need to accept the feeling comes. Breath, stay there, don’t move, don’t run, just be there. After breathing, I feel more calm and will be more able to look deeply in the situation. From there, I will learn how to make the situation better or looking for the solution. Have you ever tried it yet? If not, then you can try it sometimes. It might be help!
To live, to love, to live true to ourselves!!! All the best!
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